So the time has come to move my deviant art,
start afreash taking only the art i like the most with a new name and a new purpose

partly i am moving because there is someone who i know in real life, an EX, who has this link who I would rather not know what I am writing or saying or doing with my life, and i have refrained from writing anything about him here out of respect but feel the time has come i speak and say,

stop acting like a stawker
leave me alone

lol

actually not lol becuase it's becoming scary now. There have been threats to Chris, threats to the other guy I have been seeing recently, and frankly I've just had enough i tried to be nice and i tried to be friends but it doesn't work because some people are just deluded.

so in the next day or 2 i will be sending out a new link to all my watchers so that you can carry on following my art on my new account and i would really apreciate everyone moving over with me and continuing to support my art.

I am trying to be hopeful that this jornal entry won't open up a torrent of abuse,

Jools

he ended it,
after spur of moment asking to spend the day with me,
after having a nice time, telling me he really liked me, being really attentive and affectionate he got back to mine and we eventually talked about the giant elephant sitting in the room and he ended it, because aparently he just can't deal with me being poly, which is fair enough, and i did know this was coming so really i can't blame him for the fact that im hurt now because i sort of set myself up for a fall and he is a friend so i don't hate him and i don't have anything bad to say about him im just dispapointed and hurt because i did like him a lot.

It is sort of a relief, because it wasn't nice sitting in limbo feeling like i was just about to get dumped, and at least now its happend its over and done with and im not waiting on it anymore,

but honestly i just feel so drained now, emotionally and mentally drained. I feel like everythings been happening all at once one thing after another and im tierd. I would really apreciate a nice break from real life at this particular moment,

except i can't, i can't even just take a break from emotional stuff now its over because i need to deal with something else now,
dispite feeling like i was going to start bleeding, i haven't and now im starting to feel sick again, just like before, and its a familiar feeling and iv ignored it for a couple of days but its getting worse everyday. I don't want to take a test to see if I am pregnant again because if im not and im just going slightly mad thinking i am then thats going to make me feel shit, and if i actually am then the idea of that is terrifying because i can't go through losing another baby and im not sure i even want to know if i am because i can't deal with that fear. Did I mention i just want a break from real life!!!

I didn't expect i would be able to fall pregnant again so soon, so even though we did nothing to prevent this, if my feeling is right and im already knocked up then its come as a bit of a shock, its been 6 weeks since we lost Samson and i haven't even had a proper period inbetween. I thought people where joking when they said that id be more fertile after a miscarrige,

i will take a test prob in a few days, maybe im just feeling sick for some other reason,

Jools

So after that little rant the other night

im calmer, (ish)

i have what it think is the start of PMS and this will be the first proper PMS since i was pregnant so im buidling up to one hell of a meltdown i think, ethier that or im gonna kill someone and hopefully someone with a cock
It depresses me to think im going to bleed soon because i can feel that I am, and that means im not pregnant again and i feel like i should be pregnant still i should be over 5 months thinking about all sorts of things and not stresing about my period or some random guy!!

Because my love life would be BORING if i where still pregnant, i didn't care about sex or anything really except my baby,

I was harsh last night
but i don't like this uncertianty around this particular relationship, im getting mixed signals,

he says, he wants to give being poly a try, that he likes me, and when he is with me we have a really good time he is very attentive and caring and sweet

but there is still that uncertianty because we are only giving it a try and i feel like at any given moment im going to get dumped, and how can i build on whats developing because im so very aware that if i start to like him anymore than i do now that when he does dump me il be even more hurt than i would be if i don't let myself get more involved.

I don't want a really serious relationship, i just want someone that can handle being poly and who wants to date longer tern and see where that leads. I think im kind of an easy girlfriend, i don't demand they see me every night, give up there hobbies for me, they are even allowed to see other people thats not exactly a bad deal!

I just want him to turn around and say, you know what i do like you i can handle your lifestyle im not a freaking sheep and i can go agaisnt the norm. Everything about him screams that he is more than capable of doing this, because he is hardly trying to fit in and it doesn't appear like he cares a lot about what people think, one of things that i like about him is that he is eccentric!

anyway i hate complicated
i hate uncertianty
i dont like feeling rejected,
actually i hate feeling rejected!

pouts

Jools

I seem to be getting dejavu
a certian someone is really starting to remind me of Max, and to hell if im putting myself through that again,

being keen one min and not the next

so fuck that for fun, i am taking a big big step back, i am not gonna be doing the chasing around, no fucking way, been there done that and never ever again,

he wants me he knows where i am he can try a bit harder because actually im worth some fucking effort.

sigh
i really can't be bothered with men right now

Connie

Yesterday we went to see Samson’s grave, that’s the second time I have been up to the baby rose garden since we buried him. We went just the 2 of us together. It is comforting to have a place to visit and lay flowers. I never understood people who tended graves before I had one myself. It doesn't feel morbid to be there it feels peaceful. He is buried with lots of other babies for some reason that is really comforting for me.

It’s been a whole month since he died, and yesterday we got the call to say that the postmortem results are back and we will find out if they can tell why so many things went wrong at the end of this month. We have been warned that we might never know why.

I don't feel as obsessed about getting pregnant again straight away. The initial desperation has gone and I'm back at a place where I feel at peace with the idea that it might take a long time.

On the 4th of September there is more court stuff that I am trying very hard to ignore. I don't need to be there so I don't see any reason to get myself into a state, it is on my mind but I think I’m handling it better than I have in the past. I'm trying to see this as the conclusion because there is a good chance that this is it, after these bastards get sent down there prob is nobody else unless some other girl comes forward to add names to the list.

I disappointed myself and cut 2 days ago. I'm trying to see that as a little slip up due to stress and move on from it quickly. If it beat myself up I feel the need to cut again and I get caught up in a cycle.

My love life is growing ever complicated by the day!!!
I decided I couldn't carry on as just fuck buddies or friends with benefits because it just doesn't work if one person has feelings and so I was upfront about that and told him that if he couldn't see any possibility for it developing into something more than that we should end it,
and we did end it
for about 10 mins, before deciding that actually there was a chance that this could be something more and we should try and see what happens.

So, he wants to get to know me better date me properly and see what happens,

fantastic right?

Sort off, the point is, I am pretty dam sure that yes I want something more with him and he isn't sure. I really hate that uncertainty. I hat him having that power, and the pessimist in me tells me that I’m gonna get dumped in a few weeks and end up hurt. I almost just said fuck this and ended it now but I seem incapable of doing that because there still a part of me saying but what if we give it a try and it works. He said that if this was monogamous then there be no issue at all it is simply the fact that he never saw himself do polyamoury and not that he’s found himself in this situation he needs to see if its something he wants to be involved in. So I don't really know what to do, except try and educate him on how we work our poly relationship try and put some of the usual fears to rest and hope that it’s enough. It’s hard to do that without feeling like I’m pressuring him. Or trying to convince him in anyway at the end of the day he has to decide for himself but I so want him to decide that this is something he can do!

I have had enough heartache lately; surely I’m due a little break from getting hurt!

I see this as such an amazing way to live. I love being poly, it opens up so many possibilities and opportunities but downside is that it also opens me up to getting hurt and it doesn't matter that I have Chris if I really like someone and they hurt me it hurts just as much as it would in monogamous situation.

The more time I spend with him the more I like him I guess I can only hope that the same thing is happening in his head! I guess if he does like me enough I will be worth the effort it takes to be poly,

Anyone who is poly got any advice about all this let me know,

anyway rant over for tonight
if u took time to read all this wow and thanks

Jools